I found out that she had taken her own life a couple of years after moving to Australia, it didn't hit me as I thought it would, in fact I didn't even cry for about a year. I expected it to a degree but I HOPED, I really hoped it wouldn't end like that. I do believe that she finally saw 'the big picture' she saw what people look for when they question their existence and I would love to know what exactly that was... but I'm just simply not that smart (as you may have guessed from reading my crap), she knew it wasn't worth going on and I don't blame her, I'm not angry at her - I miss her great intelligence and harsh 'wit'. People that brilliant don't get to live long and for how she changed me... I will ALWAYS be grateful, she was truly a unique entity.
A 'Relationship' like that was beyond draining, on a par with dangerous mountaineering maybe. I couldn't imagine anyone living that way, relating to another person that way - where casual violence, self injury, somewhat animalistic sex met some of the most challengingly FUCKED UP human behaviour met a constant pushing, constant need to be a better, smarter person. I can't imagine anyone unfamiliar with us during that time NOT being shocked at our behaviour behind closed doors. Maybe I'm blowing it out of proportion but for someone to have that much effect on you, lasting effect too... well I'm over writing about her, at least for others so this is the last time I'm writing about her on here, of course 'Catherine' wasn't her real name.
For some reason she tolerated this 50th rate fuck up kid, a waste of air, the kind of person who gives the most obvious answer to every question.. the kind of person who was going to 'SAVE HER'!! the kind of person who doesn't see the problem in being a U2 fan.... maybe.. he followed her around like a shadow, why a person of her superior wit, intelligence and humour put up with him I'll never know but maybe she had some sympathy locked away inside... either way I hated that snivelly little bastard, he desperately wanted to be her boy, her protector and he hated me because I was that and I 'did the dirty' with her at any and all opportunties... She told me not to beat the living daylights out of him, instead I told him what I'd been up to with his 'woman'.
So I found out by email, from this same guy I'd been tormenting years prior that she had killed herself -an accusatory message that however she had taken her life was 'my fault', the fact I wasn't obsessively looking after her was extremely selfish of me apparently, at this point in my life I was at least happy and frankly not knowing about her was wonderful. I still don't know HOW she did it, I can guess but I don't need to picture someone I loved very much hanging herself, bleeding out, overdosing... it hit hard later, at the time it was an excuse to get numb.
goodbye lady.
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